For a week or two, not posting to the blog stressed me out. True confession: Just writing that sentence feels silly to me. After all, nobody pays me for my words here and the only deadlines to hit are the ones I set for myself. But even though I wasn't writing, post ideas would pile up and the word "blog" still made its way onto my to-do list. Habit, I suppose. Then after about a month, I stopped writing those ideas down. Then I stopped photographing, and "blog" no longer appeared on my to-do list. Who am I to give parenting advice or decorating tips, I'd ask myself. I'm no expert. At the same time, all those lean in, lean out essays were giving me motion sickness, and I found myself questioning why everyone suddenly needed to justify working full-time, part-time, no time. Aren't all parents just trying to muddle through best we can? And so the "mommy blog" component of these pages began to annoy me.
Perhaps I was taking everything too seriously, too personally. No, not perhaps; I was. The truth is, I felt--and still feel--at a crossroads. More than two years ago now, my husband and I made the decision I would stay at home with our daughter. A lot of factors went into that decision, but mainly I fancied being home with our kids would yield enough free time in which I could pitch and write whatever and whenever I wanted. (Because babies just sit there, right?? Ha.) Best of both worlds, I thought. Well duh, that hasn't been the case. Being home has been harder than I imagined, and the freelance work I have been able to pick up has been a little less scintillating (understatement!) than my favorite pieces of the past. And so my career goal during this longest, shortest time of raising young children shifted to doing not much more than keeping the proverbial toe in the water.
While I do not regret my choice to become a stay-at-home mom--I haven't up and found a caregiver and gone job hunting, after all--the last two years has been a bit of an identity crisis for me. And what I know now is that blogging has helped with that a little. Here, I can write on my own terms, continue to learn to how edit myself, and hone my voice in a public forum. Not posting these last few months has shed light on how much I missed exercising those writerly muscles. So I wanted to extend a thank you to all you for checking back here ... especially to those of you who have told me--some, on multiple occasions--how much they missed my posts. Your cheerleading has not fallen on deaf ears and has meant a lot.